the one thing that i fear and i fear more than death

there are very fiew times in my life when i feel the feelings of paranoya, insomnia, fear, depression, lonelyness, and a fiew other emotions of these type. when i do as now is usualy when i am coming down from taking extacy. this must be the seccond worst of the times i have ever experienced. the only reason it isnt the worst is because i now have the experience to understand that my paranoya, fear and depression are all thoughts that are illogical and i know that when i come out of the effects of the drugs wearing off i will look back and see this in a very diffrent light.

the reason i am taking this so horobly this time is partialy because i have been letting myself fall freely because i have finaly found someone i can trust. i have never before in my life found someone i felt i could trust like this. it scares me in a way... ...and, at the same time, it feels so rediculosly wonderfull that it is worth the fear.

i was just told by kitten that she wants to take a break untill i move down there because she is falling to quickly, the relationship is moving to quickly. i completely understand this. i do not hold this agianst her and i feel that it is a smart decision.

when i find that i want to move from one place to another i take that changing point as a point where i can feel comfortable changing many things in my life to how i would like them to be. every time i have moved there has been a girl where i am moving that i have told myself that i am moving for. the image i build in my head of the girl i dream of is one who understands that by being completely honest and comunicating even those things which could be damaging twards the relationship because of misunderstanding of feelings, one is inevitably strengthening the relationship because in the future there will be less chance of misunderstanding, and less chance of falter. in the beginging this could be an extremely hard thing, but over time it would only become more and more easy and also only more and more fruitfull. this is why i have always been 100% honest with every person i have ever been in a relationship with about everything i am feeling. this has caused the vast majority of my relationships to end permaturely. it has caused many many problems and i feel that this is the only way to have a truly successfull relationship in our ever changing time. i also admit that there could be other ways but i havent yet learned of them. in the past when i have arived at my destination uppon seeing how i am and seeing the honesty i have the person who i arive to often times gets scared away by my sincerity and honesty.

i feel that i have found someone who would not be scared off by that. but i do always understand if my immage is skewed.

the reason i search out for a person to hold on to while i move is because i am making a lot of changes in myself for what i feel to be the beterment of onself. it is an instable place for me and it is the only thing i am afraid of in this world. just writing this right now is making me tear up. but it is a thing that i beleave to inevitably be worth the danger. over the past 2 years i have learned many valuable lessons i have learned how to think about things in a philosophical manner. i understand how to look at choices i have in an outside view and value them acording to which would help me and the people around me the best.

what is causing my insomnia at this current time is the fact that i dont know if i would be able to make the change and the move which i feel to be so important to my wellbeing without the suport of a significant other. i am very sure that if i were to make the change and move only to find that that significant other wasnt there for me i would have another mental break down and i have no idea where i could end up after that happens agian. probably in a gutter somewhere looking up wondering who i am and how i got here.

>the thought has run through my mind to try to teach myself to change myself without the support of another but i know if i did this i would endup growing to be an angry lonely old man who didnt care about anything in life other than his own success and i would have a midlife crisis which would be me realizing that i should have strived for that which maters most, friends. and i would probably endup killing myself around age 60 or 70.

i feel that this change i am about to embark on will be the one that will set me on the path of being rediculously successfull while at the same time keeping those friends who i value the most and reaching a life of balance and love.

i have to wake up in 3 hours and i am hoping that writing this down will help me to be able to sleep but i realy feel that it wont because i am still afraid of changing myself without something to lean on.